Steven Seagal

When my friend first tried to make the case to me that Steven Seagal was awesome, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of laughed. I knew he started a reality television show called Steven Seagal's Lawman, but I had no desire to tune in and haven't watched any new movies of his in years. I thought there was a reason for it; he was washed up, and probably not that good in the first place. She demanded I watch it, and told me if I did, I would see the awesomeness Seagal possessed. Again, I didn't take her seriously. Then I thought about it....wasn't Steven Seagal your third favorite action hero back in the day? (Side Note: No one will ever top Schwarzenegger and Stallone in first and second place respectively.) Didn't you love his movies? Remember when you and your brother used to watch Hard To Kill and Under Siege religiously? So, I decided to tune in to find out if my mind was playing tricks on me, and needless to say it wasn't. As soon as I saw him in action again, it all came back to me and hit me like a ton of bricks; Steven Seagal is mad awesome, he knows it, and you should know better to ever doubt him again.

I think the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions Steven Seagal is his ponytail. Coincidentally, the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions a ponytail is Steven Seagal. Seriously, have you ever in your life seen anyone who rocks the ponytail better than Seagal does? I'll give you Johnny Depp, but besides that no one comes remotely close. What makes this accomplishment mad awesome is that besides a mullet, a ponytail is probably one of the worst haircuts any guy could sport. However, I think we can all agree that Seagal's ponytail is the equivalent of Bret Hart's pink sunglasses. Both are iconic, legendary trademarks of these heroes, and both of them pull their individual distinction off perfectly, especially when 99.9% of the world could not. It's almost like Seagal feeds off his ponytail to provide awesomeness to the rest of his body. You can even make the argument that the ponytail is the reason why Seagal is so underappreciated. People see the ponytail and probably think someone with a ponytail can't be that awesome. It's the same way in his movies. Bad guys think that they can beat up a guy who has a ponytail, however, inevitably they are the ones who get beat up. Clearly, it's safe to say that Seagal's ponytail has done as much for him as his hit movies have.

When Steven Seagal first entered the film industry, it wasn't as an actor, it was as a martial arts coordinator. The second film he worked under as a coordinator was Never Say Never Again. Sound familiar? It should, this was Sean Connery's last ever film playing James Bond. That's right, Steven Seagal is so awesome that it was necessary for him to teach James Bond, the most awesome spy of all time, how to fight. Obviously, Hollywood recognizes a star when it sees one and it wasn't that long after that Seagal was tapped to star in a movie of his own. Steven Seagal's film debut was in Above the Law, where he played a cop that took down drug dealers, corrupt politicians, and anyone else who tried to mess with him. He beat people up and killed bad guys in brutally awesome ways. It was a recipe for success, since it led to Warner Brothers signing Seagal to star in several action movies for them. The next four movies were huge box office hits and cult classics. In Hard to Kill, Seagal plays a cop investigating the mob. The mob kills his family and puts him into a coma for seven years. When he wakes up, he demands vengeance on the non-awesome criminals who tried to take his life. It is quite evident that bullets and a seven year layoff do not effect his awesomeness, as he manages to get the revenge he was seeking. Hard to Kill really displayed Seagal coming into his own not only as an actor, but his intense, intimidating one liners as well. I loved it when he told the head crime boss, "I'm gonna take you to the bank. To the blood bank!" That line is so awesome, I just got chills typing it out. My second favorite Seagal kill was in also in this movie. In the end of the movie he sticks a billiard cue into some bad guy's jugular. If you think a Seagal kill doesn't get any better than that, please rent Marked for Death. It's too gruesome to type out here, but I will tell you it includes Seagal, a bad guy, a deli, a butcher's knife, and it will make every man wince. If cool deaths don't interest you, then you should check Marked for Death out solely based on the fact its thought of as Seagal's best movie, or as I like to call it, his version of Thriller. The plot involves Seagal taking on a gang of Jamaican drug dealers by himself, displaying his prototypical awesomeness. Out for Justice was a huge hit, and the title of the movie pretty much sums up the plot. You think by now, people would learn not to mess with Seagal, but these people just don't learn theit lesson; don't give Seagal a reason to seek revenge. It's like playing with fire. As great as these movies were, they were all a preface for his biggest action hit.


Someone must have done something non-awesome to deserve this!

Without question, Under Siege was Seagal's biggest hit, even if it may not have been as good as Marked for Death. It grossed over $156.4 million worldwide and made Seagal a bona-fide star. Pretty much everyone and their mama who did see it, experienced his awesomeness for 102 minutes. When a group of mercenaries take over a Navy Battleship, only one man can take back control of the ship, and we know that one man is Seagal. Did I mention that Seagal plays a cook in the movie? A cook! How many cooks can take out an entire team of mercenaries? Sure he played a former Navy SEAL, but the entire fleet on board couldn't stop these mercenaries, yet Seagal, by himself, took them out, one-by-one. That speaks volumes about Seagal's awesomeness. This movie cemented Seagal among Hollywood's elite action stars of the 1990's. What's amazing when you watch this movie is that you know every single bad guy does not stand a chance against Seagal. The success of this movie lead to Seagal's only sequel, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. The plot of the sequel is more or less than the same as the first, except instead of a boat, this takes place on a train. I know what you're thinking, the title Under Siege 2 doesn't make any sense when the movie takes place above water. It doesn't matter though. Seagal still saves the day at the end and displays heroic awesomeness, yet again. Clearly, Seagal is so awesome, that he not only makes a successful movie, but still defeats the bad guys even when the title of the movie doesn't make sense.

In December of 2009, Steven Seagal premiered his own reality tv show, Steven Seagal's Lawman on A+E. It focuses on his work as a Reserve Deputy Chief of the Sheriff's Office in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. When asked why he started the show, Seagal stated "I’ve decided to work with A&E on this series now because I believe it’s important to show the nation all the positive work being accomplished here in Louisiana—to see the passion and commitment that comes from the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in this post-Katrina environment." 3.6 million viewers were intrigued by this show and decided to check out the premiere, which was the best season opener for any original A+E series ever. Who could blame these 3.6 million people? Chances are they wanted to find out if Seagal is as awesome in real life as he is in his films. Needless to say, of course he is! In one drug bust, none of the cops can find the drugs in the house that they are looking for. Then Seagal starts searching the house, and he finds them easily. He offers up-to-the-second narration to viewers with his smart analysis when he says thinks like, "Once we make a turn on this street, it's going to be immediately in two seconds," or "Drug dealers work in the shadows, for as long as I have been doing this, I try to see in the shadows." Seagal even likes to show his sense of humor with his fellow officers, which allows the viewers to see he can relate to anyone. This was evident when they were talking about Jean Claude Van Damme, and Seagal says, "If he sees me, he runs." All of the officers in the car laughed, and so did I Steven, so did I. It's great to view Steven Seagal in a different light other than what we see in movies. It's even better to identify with what we observe in movies when it happens to be true to life.

There is a reason why Seagal its so believable that he never loses a fight in his movies. He is a seven degree in black belt in Akido, a Japanese form of Martial Arts. He was actually the first foreigner to ever operate an Aikido dojo in Japan. In fact, in the first episode of Lawman that I watched, someone tells Seagal "When I think of martial artis, I think of you." That has to be the biggest compliment ever. Think about other famous martial artists that this guy doesn't think of when he thinks of martial arts: Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Georges St-Pierre, Jackie Chan, Hélio and Carlos Gracie, Daniel-San etc. Seagal trumps them all. Thankfully, if you want more Steven Seagal in your life, he does a lot more than beat people up in movies and television. He helps produce and write many of his movies, has recorded his own album, and is an energy drink entrepreneur. Yes, it's true. Anyone can into a supermarket, buy Steven Seagal's energy drink called Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, feel the power of Seagal and immediately become more awesome. Seagal has said "I have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know." If Seagal says so, what choice do we have, but to believe him? Seagal also has his own herbal oil product line, and his own aftershave called Scent of Action. The awesomeness doesn't just stop on drinks, so if you smell like garbage, you can instantly smell awesome by investing in Seagal's products. Isn't that why he made them in the first place? To make people more awesome?


Even the most hardened criminal fear this real life deputy.

My uncle once told me that every time any Steven Seagal movie is on television, no matter what point it is during the movie, no matter if he has seen it a million times already, and no matter how much my aunt mocks him, he will watch it until the end. Now, that is a dedicated Steven Seagal fan. However, that's what Seagal does to you. He hooks you in and takes you for the ride of your life. It's almost like he's a real life Jack Bauer. Think about it, both are intense, ruthless, tough, and they both barely break a sweat killing bad guys. That's quite the comparison since everyone loves Jack Bauer. I never would have thought of that two weeks ago, however once I took the time to reintroduce myself to Steven Seagal I came to that realization. There's nothing wrong with spending some time watching a Seagal film or his reality show to reach the same epiphany on how awesome he truly is.

Nicolas Cage

Yes, Nicolas Cage is a world famous actor, but is he appreciated for awesomeness? I really don't think so. Cage gets unfairly panned for making what critics call "bad movies." Yes, I have yet to see such movies as Next, Ghost Rider, or Bangkok Dangerous, but as far as I'm concerned, Nicolas Cage is underrated because he fails to be mentioned as a quality actor and for making several mad awesome movies. His three best Con Air, The Rock, and The Family Man, even though he has many more classics under his belt. Also remember, even if a movie is bad, that doesn't necessarily seem that the actor in them is bad as well. In Cage's case, this is certainly true. So even if Knowing got bad reviews, I legitimately think Nic Cage's awesomeness will be dripping from the screen because of what he has shown the world with those three underrated hits.

As far as I'm concerned, Con Air is not only one of the best action movies of the 1990's, but it is so over-the-top unrealistic and ridiculous, that makes me watch it every single time I see it on tv....and I own it on DVD. Besides it's intense action scenes, this film rates very highly on the unintentional comedy scale. Seriously, who thought of the idea, "Let's take the worst, most dangerous criminals in America and put them on a plane together. I really don't think anything wrong will or can happen. There is no way, they will come up with a plan to try and overtake the plane with only three guards on board." Keep in mind that if this concept doesn't seem unrealistic enough for you, this is before John Malkovich builds a bomb....in prison. As well as before they land a plan in the middle of the Las Vegas strip that kills and injuries the prisoners only, and no civilians to speak of. I mean, come on! I can't imagine a scenario like this ever happening in real life. Nicolas Cage (awesome hair and all), saves America from these criminals and their ludicrous plans. Why? Cause he's awesome, that's why. I mean the man can do hand stand push-ups for crying out loud!

Nic Cage has the look of an awesome action hero.

Sure people laughed when they heard Cage might play Superman, but this movie portrays Cage as a great lead for an action movie box office smash. Keep in mind, this was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and it did gross over $100 million in the United States alone. For those who say that this was a fluke, well it was not the only awesome action movie Nic Cage was in, it wasn't even his first mega action hit.

If you think of the wrestler when you hear someone say "The Rock," you seriously need to bone up own on your action flicks from 1996. To summarize, Alcatraz has been taken hostage by a group of Marines who have access to a lethal chemical weapon. Cage plays FBI chemical weapons expert Stanley Goodspeed who has to infiltrate Alcatraz with a Navy SEAL team and the only person to ever escape from Alcartraz (played by Sean Connery). Cage portrays the nerdy and dorky Goodspeed perfectly, yet as dorky as he is, its not that out of reach to assume someone has hot as Vanessa Marcil (who plays his girlfriend Carla, a former prom queen) would date his character. You never say to yourself, "Why would she date him?" Serious awesome points go to Cage due to that fact alone. It not only takes great acting ability to pull that off, but general awesomeness as well. Anyway, as the movie progresses, Cage starts to beat some people up, even though he plays a scientist, and not a field agent. Sure he gets his butt kicked at some parts, but that's expected as well. Again, this doesn't seem so out of reach because Cage manages to pull it off so easily. Heroically, Cage saves the day at the end of the film, albeit with a little help from Connery. The Rock made over $130 million in the box office in the United States alone and was the seventh highest grossing film of 1996 in the US, and the fourth highest worldwide. Does Cage get the credit he deserves for this? Nope, personally I think this is a very underrated movie, and people don't realize how successful The Rock really was. It also did wonders for Cage's career, as it brought him into the discussion of mainstream actors. Unfortunately for him though, it left him vulnerable for criticism and did not praise him for his deserved awesomeness.

Nic Cage is here to save the day! Awesome!

After the previewing of Cage's film Knowing, Entertainment Weekly critic Owen Gleiberman wrote an article in March 2009, accusing Cage of "selling out." In the article, titled "Nicolas Cage: Artist or hack? The choice is his", Gleiberman states that Cage should return to dramas as opposed to only making high-paying blockbusters. I know I'm tempted to ask Glieberman if he has even seen The Rock before if he is going to pose such a question because there is no way you can say that about Cage unless you have not seen this film. Unless Cage doesn't get the props he deserves, which certainly seems to be the case. One can even make the argument that The Rock jump started the Bay-Bruckheimer production of mega action hits from the 1990s - present day. Whether you view that as a good thing or a bad thing is a matter of opinion, but one thing that can't be argued is that it takes someone truly awesome to start such a trend.

The Family Man is a great movie, and shows how awesome Nic Cage is in a different light other than action superstar. For those who missed out on it, Nicolas Cage plays a Wall Street playboy who wakes up in an alternate life where he married his college sweetheart (Tea Leoni). It's like a cousin to It's A Wonderful Life. Predictably, when he is about to go back to his original life, he realizes that he belongs with Leoni. Once he goes back to his old life he chases after her character, and stops her at the airport right before she is about to board her plane. To win her heart, he says one of my favorite monologues in movie history:

"We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids, Annie and Josh. Annie's not much of a violin player, but she tries real hard. She's a little precocious, but that's only because she says what's on her mind. And when she smiles... And Josh, he has your eyes. He doesn't say much, but we know he's smart. He's always got his eyes open, he's always watching us. Sometimes you can look at him and you just know he's learning something new. It's like witnessing a miracle. The house is a mess but it's ours. After 122 more payments, it's going to be ours. And you, you're a non-profit lawyer. That's right, you're completely non-profit, but that doesn't seem to bother you. And we're in love. After 13 years of marriage we're still unbelievably in love. You won't even let me touch you until I've said it. I sing to you. Not all the time, but definitely on special occasions. We've dealt with our share of surprises and made a lot of sacrifices but we've stayed together. You see, you're a better person than I am. And it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was just all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and I imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane right now, it'll disappear forever. I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us."

The Family Man or The Awesome Man?

I think that if anyone else chased down Tea Leoni at an airport down and uttered this speech, she would say thanks, and then proceed to board to her plane. But it's not just anyone who chases her down. It's the underrated Nic Cage...and he is awesome, which she realizes, so she decided to chose him too. My friend and I quote this speech to each other on a frequent basis because it is so awesome. I don't know about you, but I know every time I go to the airport I'm always hoping someone pulls a Nic Cage and does that to me. (Note: You know someone is truly awesome, when you can say pulls a _____ referring to an individual.) But does Nic Cage get the respect for being awesome that he deserves? From a general consensus, I think not. But he definitely should.

Think about this though, Nicolas Cage is so awesome, that I didn't even mention that he did win an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas, and was nominated for another in Adaptation. (Side note: Great movie if you're interested in seeing how scripts for movies are written). I also didn't discuss how The Weather Man is one of the funniest movies no one has seen, and he has made another over-the-top unrealistic and ridiculous action movie in Face-Off. Nicolas Cage, you maybe an underappreciated awesome celebrity by the world, but not by us. Congrats on being the first member of this club and website.